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General WarningsSensitive subjects you may find on this journal include sexual content, child abuse, sexual assault, surgery, medical conditions, mental health, and suicide.

While I don't post a ton of Adult Only/18+ content, I am an adult and I do post it occasionally. I make use of tags, content warnings, and cuts, but please proceed with caution.

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On a different subject, I wanna go watch the new Transformers movie. I'm actually really excited to see them do more stuff set on Cypertron rather than Earth and it'll be interesting to see if it continues.

I cooled down on Transformers for the last several years, but it'd be fun to check in again and maybe do some re-watches. (Transformers: Prime, my beloved)

Tags:

fandom: transformers

Well. Fuck.

Now that it's done, I'm having big "did I really expect different?" vibes, but dang. I'd hoped for different. I'd honestly expected nothing in 2020 and was so thrilled and relieved when he wasn't brought back into office. I think I wanted to believe it was a sign that things could improve again.

Alas, cults of personality and government corruption simply don't work like that. I'll count my blessings that we got a four year slow down on the - *gestures at the GOP everything* - and brace for the next stage.

There's a part of me that feels even less prepared because I'm already so emotionally fried. I spent Wednesday alternating between crying and moving furniture around my office in a bid for control.

But there's another part that feels like -- well, I know what not to do now. I spent 2016 to 2020 glued to every change and update and batshit insane claim; tracking every warning and threat and burning myself out with dread over how much worse it was going to get. (And bad it did get.) Re-reading my personal journal from 2018 is a distressing view into how deeply I'd fallen apart. (Thank you, therapy, thank you for my life.)

Not a lick of it helped me. Not a lick of it helped anyone else. The most productive things I did were make donations, call my reps, vote in midterms, and vocally support protesters -- ALL of which I could've achieved without obsessively monitoring Twitter every hour of every day. So, my goal now is to figure out how to "stay in the loop" without letting it eat my entire life and brain.

Otherwise - I'll do as I planned in my last post, and work on expanding my life and activities. I will write and read and create and spend time with the people I care about. The rest will come as it comes, terrible and good alike.

Tags:

life update,
uspol

In the wake of personal-life upheaval, I look back on the past, searching for a version of me that was happier than I am now.

Dangerous stuff, really, given how easy it is to rose-tint the past, but in this case, these reflections have left me with the realization of how many activities I just don't do any more, at least not with any regularity. Board games, shopping trips, eating out at restaurants, hanging around in coffee shops or malls or any public place with a seat and no time limit on lingering, watching long-form tv shows, going to anime or scifi conventions, going to bookstores, meeting up with friends outside of my own house, long road trips, going to farmers markets and open-air concerts and community events, taking long walks...

COVID is responsible for shutting down many of these, but for others... there were multiple factors. My primary social group got less active overall, partially because the more motivated members left and partially because everyone got more physically and mentally tired. Hang-outs had kinda dissolved down to a short list of activities that were repeated with minor variation every weekend. The deceptive convenience of delivery apps make even small opportunities to deviate from the home-work-home cycle, like shopping for necessities or picking up take out, seem tedious and unnecessary, so all shopping related activities dwindled. Cons fell aside because I had less contact with people who actively attended. Road trips are tough when I can't afford time off work or there's been yet another emotional upheaval.

In short, part of last week was a lot of measuring out how much my world had shrunk (and was, in a way, still shrinking) and feeling very melancholy and mournful about it (again, among other emotional experiences).

I think the conclusion here is that I need to get out more. This last year has been utter trash on my mental health and expanding my social and out-of-house activities won't fix all of it, but is non-the-less sorely needed. My first big step is going to an Anime Con next month - there's a local (ish) one that won't break the bank and I can just go by myself. Bring my camera and talk to all the artists in the Alley. My first small steps are going to be doing photography around local places and finding cheap public hang out spots to write or draw. (Library? Community center?) I can do this! It's good for me! I will be happier!

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In the years since I last posted here, I:
( Read more... )

I’m sure there’s a lot I’ve forgotten or will come back to me later. I thought of this journal out of the blue and felt it past time for a catch-up post. Hello again to anyone still kicking around here!

Well, so.

The "Bad Art Friend" NYT story has been exploding across Twitter for weeks at this point and gaining new, stranger dimensions as more and more of the context and backstory are revealed.

I wanted to ignore it, but honestly; I love the detective work involved in a convoluted, multi-platform scandal that dates back years and involves several people's bullshit, as this one does. But probably the thing that got me the most invested in it, and caused me the most discomfort, was seeing some well-known and popular faces in the... social justice/progressed aligned creative circles, for lack of better wording, speculating on whether the kidney donation in question actually happened.

And that super bothered me. As did the number of people desperate to frame the woman who donated the kidney as "just doing it for attention, not actually doing a good deed". Like, I don't know how many of you actually know truly self-centered, fame-seeking assholes, but they are literally the last people on the planet who'd willfully cut open their own flesh to sacrifice a part of it for the sake of someone else. Their whole deal is basically not doing shit for others. Moreover, how in god's name do you look at three people's lives and health being massively improved by the actions of another and go "well that's not a good thing because it wasn't an act of True Alutrism." Do you even hear yourselves?

Anyway, as a result, I spent hours digging through various Twitter threads and court documents trying to solidify my own position, but the absolute best rundown of the whole shebang I've found is:

- this lengthy rundown by Tumblr used Teinriu

It's a LONG read, but it's the one I recommend if you're at all curious about all of ::gestures:: this fuckery.

Teinriu also did a much more speculative post on why a whole community of writers -- not just one writer who plagiarized a letter, as it originally appeared -- seems to have targeted this one, specific woman. Again, it's primarily speculation, versus the more observation-based preceding post, and shouldn't be taken as fact, but the question it asks is apt.

Because at this point, this whole thing, to me, looks way less like a beef between two writers, and a hell of a lot more like a clique of writers banding together to bully one person.

Additional link:

GrubStreet as an employer - I didn't realize until this that DD and SL weren't just in a writers group, but actually employed together

Tags:

Many thanks to The Magnus Archives for getting me through the last two work weeks. It's been atypically busy and I've had dental work on of it. Those combined with a general lack-of-focus has made everything a needless struggle, but now that I'm all caught up on job-work, I might be able to catch up on my social hobbies like, gasp, role play tags.

I'd been hearing about The Magnus Archives for years, but I... well, I legitimately thought it was a table-top liveplay podcast ala The Adventure Zone. I THINK this was because the only person I follow on tumblr who was into TMA was also an Adventure Zone fan, and talked about both, so they crossed streams in my head.

Turns out it very much isn't one of those (not that liveplays are bad) and I'm glad I gave it a chance because various creepy stories that eventually tie together into a broader narrative being read out loud in a low, soothing voice is exactly my speed. I'm currently at episode 104 and I look forward to seeing how the rest of the story unfolds.

September 11th

Today

In plant and aquatic news, the dwarf green taro I've been growing in my container pond has absolutely exploded over the last month, more than doubling in size. This is likely to do with the new fertilizer, but it could also be because of how warm and sunny it's been lately. I love it!

The Flag Green Grass has been less enthusiastic in the growth department, though it's by no means dying. I might need to put it in a bigger pot, which I was honestly hoping to avoid. All the other plants are doing fantastic and most of the algae is gone. Plus, the guppies have given birth! I'm super curious to see what colors the fry take on as they grow.

( More pond photos under the cut )

Tags:

It's one of those days/weeks where I feel like I have no time to accomplish everything I need to accomplish, but there's also these stretches of time where I'm alternating between reloading twitter and tumblr over and over, as if either is going to give me the jolt of dopamine I need to disengage and do ANYTHING else.

Anyway. I'm going to be relying heavily on my timer (20 mins on task, 5 mins brain break) and tasks lists today if I'm gonna get caught up.

And generally speaking, getting "caught up" isn't super important for anything except like, actual job-work, it's just there's a bunch of personal, creative work I'd like to make forward progress on for the purpose of feeding my soul.

Today's non-exhaustive Stuff To Be Doing list:( Read more... )

* So the novel I'm working on is one I've been picking away at since, hm, late May-early June, and I'm only about 15,000 words in. Aka, still in the Story-Set Up phrase and I really want to see how it goes when it hits the Holy Shit There's Plot phase. It's technically a very self-indulgent story, but with how disconnected I've been from the habit of regular writing, even a self-indulgent story has been a slooooww crawl of progress.

With that in mind, I've trying to tap back into what got me through other large chunks of writing and the answer was... posting about it constantly to my Livejournal, now Dreamwidth. So all right. Let's try it again! My goal right now is to add another 20,000 words in October and if I pull that off, then I'll consider taking on NaNoWriMo's 50k sprint.

Tags:

I've been bitten by the danmei (aka Chinese Boys Love genre) novel bug and have been chewing my way through an ever-widening collection of them.

Ones that I've finished:

- Modao Zushi, aka Grand Master of Demonic Cultivation: I ended up watching the live-action adaptation, The Untamed, on random impulse while browsing Netflix，and I didn't realize it was related to that BL story that my Twitter feed had been raving about for months until three or four episodes in. The fun part of catching it after a couple of friends already had meant I was able to live-chat at them while I was reading it, which made it even more fun. This story is great on several levels and I could rave about it for ages.

- The Scum-Villian Self Saving System: honestly a lighter and easier read than MDZS, being both shorter and with less major side characters, this one is just fun. It evokes and plays with a bunch of old-school BL tropes, often using them to tease the reader or subvert expectations. (MDZS has some of this too, unsurprising given that they're by the same author).

- Heaven Official's Blessing: Whew boy, this is a BEAST of a novel. It's technically four books and is a dense, fast-paced read with hordes of side characters. It's one of those rare stories where I think it's vital to NOT read spoilers -- not because it'd ruin the surprise, but because spoilers would only confuse you further. So much happens and all of it is interconnected in unexpected and compelling ways. I've heard there's a live-action version in progress and I have no idea how they're going to translate it to that format.

- Fox Demon Cultivation Manual: I love this one for hitting all of my personal favorites (foxes!! Demons! Conflict among divine beings! A pro-active if often ridiculous lead character! Mysteries! An old gay side character! Toxic family issues!) That said, unlike the other three, it's actually a side story to a larger series that hasn't, sadly, been translated by anyone. As such, it has some "the actual plot is happening elsewhere" vibes, particularly with side characters who appear briefly and then run off before any of their issues are explored or resolved.

Ones I'm currently reading:

- The Fourteenth Year of Chenghua: historical mystery novel, very political. It's still being translated, but what's currently up is awesome and worth the time. It's broken up into the major cases that the lead characters handle, so you can get a good bite of the story with each section. The live-action adaptation, "The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty" is also good and worth watching, and the differences between the two are kind of fascinating.

- Thousand Autumns: very much wuxia setting, with all the dramatic battles scenes and hyped-up powers and techniques. It's essentially an "enemies to lovers" story, but a low-key version where the evil one rescued the good one with the goal of converting him to evil, and now they're traveling around together, discussing the failures of the world from their conflicting ideological positions, and having periodic knock-down, drag-out fights. That said, there isn't much in the way of flirting or attraction at the moment, so I'm curious of how the 'lovers' part comes in.

Tags:

At work, we're dealing with this company that just will not send us their invoices. They are a full month behind and we, the clients, are the ones hounding them for the bills.

It's so weird.

Do they not want to get paid? Are they just happy to provide service free of charge? How are they paying their employees? Are they like this with all their clients??

We're begging you, please just let us give you money.

Tags:

This link popped up on my twitter feed in a conversation about fandom antis, their origins, and their current ranging impact on the fandom experience: Of Fandoms And Complete Shitshows

It's worth reading through, as are the comments, but there are a couple things I always dwell on when it comes to write-up of this topic:

( blah blah fandom blah )

Tags:

babble: rant

I've made SIGNIFICANT costume progress, though I won't be happy and settled until it's fully done and off my plate. I realized a particular shortcut I can use that won't compromise the quality, but will get it done a lot faster and that removed a chunk of my anxiety over the project.

The downside of this technique is once it's done, I won't be able to make any further adjustments to the length of the garment. I'm hoping I can get the client over asap to make sure the length is exactly what they want, 'cause this is the last chance to make any changes.

While I worked on it last night, I kept going through a litany of tiny sewing woes:
- that one loose thread that keeps getting caught in the new stitches no matter how many times you tuck it back
- trying to iron or stitch a small, difficult area while the weight of the garment pulls it down
- wide sleeves twisting while you stitch on the cuffs
- stitching down the seam allowance on the wrong side

Minor annoyances, but it feels like a bigger deal when you're working on a time crunch.

Other stuff: I pulled out one of my Transformers fanfic WIPs and made progress on it for the first time in half a year. Not sure why the impulse struck, especially since my brain has been a howling pit of Kingdom Hearts for ages. It was nice to revisit that piece.

Tags:

handcrafts,
writing

My ability to focus at work has dried up, but as long as I can strong-arm myself to sit down in front of the sewing machine, I'll be aces. I've got a week to finish this costume. I CAN DO IT.

US political stuff isn't helping my focus, it never does. I follow a handful of journalists and commentators on twitter and it keeps me abreast of things so I'm not restricted to TV news. Which is good, because it's genuinely upsetting to watch news channels report on presidential events like the entire administration isn't a giant steaming pile of traitors. The downside though is that it's... whew, it's hard to hear about, and gets my fuss brain all worked up.

Other stuff, other stuff -- gaming tomorrow and Sunday. Managed to watch more RWBY. Got more writing done for my FATE game and put together some exciting backstory stuff that my players may or may not ever discover.

But again, I'm on a tight deadline for the costume and it's my main goal. It's for a friend and I've already blown past two previous deadlines for it. Not again! I will get it done!

Tags:

I'm re-visiting more of my favorite teenhood reading material with Anne McCaffery's "To Ride Pegasus". I'll do a proper review once I finish all the stories, but so far it's much like I remember it -- a very different voice and take from usual McCaffery fare. A lot more focused on the technicality and social impact of psionics being proven than on the intimacy of individual experience. It was published in the early 1970s and follows "tell, never show" to a T, but that's part of what I like about it. Also makes it dramatically different from the other Talent books that followed.

The re-read was initially inspired by discussing the Dragonriders of Pern books with a friend.

Pern was a series that was super important to me growing up, with Dragonsong being one of the first books I ever read, but I... don't know if I ever want to revisit them. Looking back on my memories of those books as an adult, there's a bunch of stuff that makes me go "hmmmmm..." but also still a lot of fondness and a strong sense of wonder. I don't want to disrupt the nostalgia and the fact that I'm already like "I dunno" makes me feel like I wouldn't approach them with an open spirit. Maybe another time. Maybe after I've finished making my way back through Mercedes Lackey's works.

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Video game stuff:

I've been sporadically continuing my replays of various Kingdom Hearts games, just not in any real order.

( Cut for the uninterested )

***

Tabletop gaming stuff:

Most of the people from my Sunday D&D game ended up dropping out, so it's pared down to just 4 of us (including the DM, who also plays a party character). While that sucked, it landed us with a better team dynamic than we had in a larger group.

( Read more... )

***

General life stuff:

My betta fish was having health problems, but I got him tended to and he's doing better. I went a little wild upgrading the tank filtration system and adjusting feeding schedules to see if I can prevent it from happening again.

I've got relatives coming into town in May, initial plans to visit friends out East in June, and a trip in Vegas at some point between now and Summer. It'll be good to go on a trip again, since it feels like it's been a while (even though I drove out to Texas for a week just a few months ago). Maybe part of that is because it's been so long since I was on a plane.

( Travel memories )

Current Mood: contemplative

Tags:

Title: N/A
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Pairing: Riku/Sora
Tags: Short Fics, Angst, Crack, AU, Crossover, NSFW/Smut,
Words: 711 (collectively)

Prompt:

Write 9 different categories of fic, in as few words as possible.

This is a re-post from 2009.

( my idea of Crack might have changed a bit since then but it is what it is )

Tags:

I feel like I'm finally walking out of the fog of a "slow brain" month and surveying the wreckage. Time to see what I can get back up to speed with.

Goals for this week:
( NEVER GIVE UP )

I could keep going, but if I can get these done, I'll be in better position than I was before.

Lets go!

Tags:

My red-bellied parrot, Pepper, bit down on the tip of my right index finger a month ago and while it's all healed now, it's probably one of the worst bites he's given me. It cracked the nail in half and tore a chunk out of the skin above the nail.

It wasn't even anything either of us had done wrong; I'd been petting his head through the cage when the cat darted past us. He jerked up and chomped down faster than I could pull away. I think the cat just startled him and unfortunately, his fear response is BITE AND BITE HARD.

I don't think Pepper will ever not be a reactive hand-biter, sadly. He was already badly traumatized by hands when I got him and while after three years, he's waaaaaay better than before -- he lets me pick him up! I can handle his wings and feet! Miracles! -- there's always going to be some things that will set him off. Thankfully, he doesn't go after faces or any other body parts when he's frightened or mad.

Injuries aren't fun and it does get disheartening sometimes, but he's a joy and a treasure the rest of the time, so it's worth it.

On the flip side of things, my perfect, easy darling of a bird, my Senegal parrot Azula, who has loved me and hated everyone else for 12 straight years, has decided I'm awful and terrifying.

My spouse is concerned that it's something physically wrong with her and finds it impossible that Azula would 'suddenly' dislike me after over a decade of me being her favorite person. I'm certain it's something I did that broke her trust and always knew it could happen someday. We have a real divide on it.

In the spirit of maybe sussing things out, here's what I've observed so far: ( words words words )

In short, I do believe I messed up. I don't think she actually hates me, rather that I frightened her in a certain situation, responded badly to her reaction, and now she feels she has to protect herself from that happening again.

This is making me really stubborn about my spouse's insistence I take Azula to the vet. It's not impossible that part of the problem is physical illness and she could do with a general health visit regardless. But it's going to be traumatizing for her. Going to the vet always is and will be doubly so now that she doesn't fully trust me right now.

So I'm like... uuuughh I don't want to do this, it doesn't feel right, I want to spend some time working to earn back her trust first, but it would be the responsible thing to rule out health problems entirely. I would feel like extra shit if I took more time with this and it turned out she was sick all along.

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I was reading into some mental health stuff yesterday, got unexpectedly upset over it, and hashed out my thoughts and feelings about it with a friend most of this morning. It wasn't even the subject made that me upset, rather the thought of "oh, maybe I've been dealing alone with something pretty hard and I could get help for that". Weird how that hits hardest of all.

I've been in therapy at different times before in my life and it's always a mixed bag. I went to my last therapist to address certain specific things and while I did get help with some of them, I didn't with the big one. And part of that, I think, is that I wasn't able to communicate the full extent of it. With this, I think I might be ready to go again. My friend suggested writing up a letter for a therapist way ahead of time and that's the best plan.

In other news:

- I got hired on at the company I've been temping with. Woo! Medical benefits, here I come! This is the year I need to go back into the hospital for all my tests and treatments, so it's good timing.

- I finished playing Kingdom Hearts III, and then immediately went and started playing Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance, my favorite of all Kingdom Hearts games and not the least because it's a big gay love story.

- I've started slowly picking my way through RWBY, about 500 years later. It's fun and charming for the fighting cartoon take on fairy tales that it is. Moreso than I expected. The old social circle I ran in was extremely cynical and judgmental of it, so I didn't bother to check it out personally. It's way less awful than stated, which isn't a surprise. I'm still on the first season and excited to see how it develops.

- It snowed in Los Angeles! I didn't get to see it where I was, though. What a thing to miss out on.

Tags:

D&D style story dream last night: ( a halfling woman rescued a dog that was being mistreated and found out it was a transformed elf. )

Outside of dreams, this was a weekend free of D&D and roleplay in general.

Two of our usual crew are out of the country and I didn't get anything written for the next session of the FATE game, so everyone else opted to stay home. The online game is every other Sunday and this happened to be the off week. It was my first completely obligation free weekend in months.

I wanna say I spent it working on any of a dozen unfinished projects or caught up on the shows I've been meaning to watch, but no. I finished Kingdom Hearts III, then went back and re-watched all the cut scenes, then went back again to tackle some side-quests, all while spamming a friend with relentless, breathlessly excited commentary through-out. It was a good time, so I will turn off the little "but you had all that free-time, you should've been doing--" in my head and appreciate that I had a good time.

Last night, I read my way through Hexhunter, book #4 in the Hexworld series by Jordan L. Hawk.

The Hexworld books are set in a late 1800s version of New York city where modern life is powered by magical hexes. Witches active the hexes by drawing magic from their bonded familiars. The familiars are humans that can turn into animals and are treated as second-class citizens. Each novel features a different witch and familiar couple, always both men, and how they got together, but each also connects to the rest of series and the overarching plot line.

I've jokingly referred to this series as a name changed "Sentinel and Guides Are Known AU" , because it has a similar flavor to that brand of fanfic genre, while still being it's own thing. Like other Hawk books, it pairs decent historical research with macabre horror, steamy sex scenes, political commentary, and complex, loving relationships. I recommend pretty much everything she writes.

( Minor spoiler and crit )

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