A Goose

My sister-in-law is staying over this week, so I mopped the entire living room and kitchen and heated vanilla oil in beeswax, and the whole place smells lovely. There's a lot of floor, so it was a chore, but the results were satisfying. Now we're all sitting around watching cooking shows.

Current reading list:

• Paladin's Grace by T. Kingfisher - a friend recommended this and I'm enjoying Stephen and his socks. Also, I really like the fantasy setting so far. Love that the Rat God is in charge of, essentially, public attorneys and social workers. I was a chapter in before I realized that T. Kingfisher is the penname of Ursala Vernon and I went oh yeah, that tracks.


• Misfit Mage, book 1 by Michael Taggart - this one has a really fun, exciting start that turns harrowing pretty quickly. I'm about midway and it's gotten a bit sleepy in terms of the action, though. Curious to see how it will pick up.

In the wake of personal-life upheaval, I look back on the past, searching for a version of me that was happier than I am now.

Dangerous stuff, really, given how easy it is to rose-tint the past, but in this case, these reflections have left me with the realization of how many activities I just don't do any more, at least not with any regularity. Board games, shopping trips, eating out at restaurants, hanging around in coffee shops or malls or any public place with a seat and no time limit on lingering, watching long-form tv shows, going to anime or scifi conventions, going to bookstores, meeting up with friends outside of my own house, long road trips, going to farmers markets and open-air concerts and community events, taking long walks...

COVID is responsible for shutting down many of these, but for others... there were multiple factors. My primary social group got less active overall, partially because the more motivated members left and partially because everyone got more physically and mentally tired. Hang-outs had kinda dissolved down to a short list of activities that were repeated with minor variation every weekend. The deceptive convenience of delivery apps make even small opportunities to deviate from the home-work-home cycle, like shopping for necessities or picking up take out, seem tedious and unnecessary, so all shopping related activities dwindled. Cons fell aside because I had less contact with people who actively attended. Road trips are tough when I can't afford time off work or there's been yet another emotional upheaval.

In short, part of last week was a lot of measuring out how much my world had shrunk (and was, in a way, still shrinking) and feeling very melancholy and mournful about it (again, among other emotional experiences).

I think the conclusion here is that I need to get out more. This last year has been utter trash on my mental health and expanding my social and out-of-house activities won't fix all of it, but is non-the-less sorely needed. My first big step is going to an Anime Con next month - there's a local (ish) one that won't break the bank and I can just go by myself. Bring my camera and talk to all the artists in the Alley. My first small steps are going to be doing photography around local places and finding cheap public hang out spots to write or draw. (Library? Community center?) I can do this! It's good for me! I will be happier!